


Just a girls' night: chatting, drinking, summoning a demon

by GiulsTheGrey



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale doesn't want you to follow all of Crowley's pieces of advice, Crowley is Summoned (Good Omens), Friendship, Gen, Love, Multi, Queer Themes, Soft Crowley (Good Omens), Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26477902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiulsTheGrey/pseuds/GiulsTheGrey
Summary: Crowley is minding his own business when he feels the summoning tug. Apparently, a group of girls needs his advice... on love related issues?
Comments: 17
Kudos: 94





	Just a girls' night: chatting, drinking, summoning a demon

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by a drawing about Crowley being summoned for a girls' night. And here it is, (a trying very hard not to look soft) Crowley who relates a bit too much to a group of girls and their relationship struggles.
> 
> Beware, there is some mild language (you can't expect Crowley to be summoned and not swear).
> 
> Thanks to duplii, there is now a Russian translation! You can find it here: https://ficbook.net/readfic/9993920

Crowley was minding his own business when he felt the summoning tug. More precisely, he was in the middle of a threaten-your-houseplants session, faithful mister in one hand while performing angry gestures with the other, as he felt the quite unwelcomed pull at his very inner essence; after a last promise of endless pain to the green buggers in the case they didn’t grow better, he had simply to give in. Resisting a summoning was quite dreadful and eventually impossible. So, he let the ancient magic get ahold of him and travelled with it to its source, ready to scare the shit out of the foolish human(s) who had dared to call him.

As soon as Crowley arrived in the summoning circle, he let out a plume of sulfuric exhalation, his gleaming eyes the only visible thing of him, tendrils of fire escaping his fingertips (just the five which weren’t holding the mister, mind you! No one likes burnt plastic) and then produced his best demonic laugh (almost suffocating in his own smoke. But probably no one noticed, he camouflaged the cough with some demonic noises).

His entrance effects hadn’t still cleared out when he began talking menacingly: “WHO, IN THE NAME OF THE LORD OF THE DARKEST PIT, DARES TO SUMMON THIS DEMON FROM THE VERY BOWELS OF EARTH? BEWARE, MORTALS, BECAUSE YOUR FATE IS…”

“Holy shit, Jenny, it worked!” someone very unceremoniously interrupted him.

The smoke dissipated, so Crowley could finally have a look at his summoners: five girls in their twenties, wearing pajamas and sitting on the floor littered with chips packages and drained bottles. Mainly beer but also a couple of remarkably good red wines. Mmh, they got taste.

“Of course, it worked, Robin! The ritual was written in a _book_ . It _had_ to work” another girl answered.

Crowley cleared his throat and tried to resume his speech: “AS I WAS SAYING, YOUR FATE IS TO SUFFER YOUR DEEPEST TORMENT IF YOU DO NOT…”

“Cut the bullshit” one of the summoners uttered, “you are evidently bound to us. So it’s useless to scare your way out of it.” Kids these days. Too many movies and videogames, nothing frightens them anymore.

The circle was quite well designed but Crowley was sure that just a little smidge could ruin all their effort and let him free to return to his previous occupation. He had just to find how…

“The sooner we start, the sooner we finish” added one of them.

“… RELEASE ME IMMEDIATELY!” The demon let out a final roar, brought up the hand which was holding the mister and sprayed at them.

Needless to say, it didn’t work.

“Well, that was a thing” Jenny said, raising an unimpressed eyebrow.

Crowley shrugged, a bit disappointed that the water hadn’t even reached some of the writings on the summoning circle. “It was worth a try. Now, what do you girls want from me? The sooner the better, right? Spit it out!”

“Well…”

The girls apparently didn’t think they would arrive at this point because now they looked quite indecisive.

After some moments of embarrassed silence, one of them finally said, “It was your idea, Jenny. You go first!”

“I suppose that’s fair” Jenny eventually conceded. “So… There is this person I like. A lot. But, err, but she’s sorta going out with this other guy so I’m not sure what to do and…”

Crowley burst out laughing. Jenny looked like she wanted to punch him but he couldn’t help it, really.

“Excuse _me_!” she blurted out, offended.

The demon wiped away his tears and grinned, “Do I look like a fucking _relationship_ expert to you, girl? I really have _no_ clue…”

“Was your fucking name written under ‘Love, desire and temptation entities’?” Jenny interrupted him again.

“Was my name _what_?” It wasn’t the first time he was summoned. But never before had he been defined as a ‘love entity’. How embarrassing, really.

“You heard me. So, _excuse us_ if we called you to do what the book says you are supposed to do.”

Crowley lifted an eyebrow. “Which is?”

“Help us with our heart issues” Robin cut in, using an annoyed tone.

The demon really tried to consider all of this seriously but he just couldn’t. But before he could say something sarcastic, Jenny went on with her story. “The thing is, this girl talks about making out a lot. But, as far as I know, only with men.”

Ugh, love drama. It was one of the few things that existed from the very beginning and would never cease to. The girl paused, looking unsure. “Go on, go on” Crowley told her. He sat in the middle of his circle, crossing his legs. If he was going to be here long, he could at least make himself comfortable.

“As I was saying, I’m not so sure she’s straight, I mean, sometimes it really looks like she’s flirting with me. Is she serious? Should I act on this flirting or do I risk ruining a nice friendship?”

Crowley let out a low whistle. “Wow, this is a difficult one.” He tried to sound uninterested but actually… Jenny’s problem somehow reminded him of his own. Not that he was in love with someone who didn’t love him back. Or with someone about whom he didn’t know the sexual orientation (if he even had one). Someone who the demon considered highly but whose rejection would hurt him very badly. Not. At. All.

“Well…” he tried, “there is no easy solution but I may have an idea. Does she drink alcohol?”

Jenny made a face but answered, “Yes?”

“Perfect. So, when people are drunk, they tend to be more honest and more stupid. So, have her drink a lot and then kiss her. Maybe you should be drunk too, your choice. If the whole thing’s awkward, just blame the alcohol. But if she likes it, you’ve got something to work on.”

There was a moment of contemplative silence. Then one of the summoners uttered, “Honestly, what a shitty piece of advice.”

“Have you got a better idea?” Crowley asked, unconsciously mimicking an angel of his own acquaintance, “One single better idea?”

There was a collective murmured ‘no’. Then, another wine bottle was popped open.

“Can I have some?” Crowley demanded but went ignored. Fine. Little brats.

“My turn. I’m Robin, by the way” said one of the girls, after sipping from her glass. “So. I’m not used to the whole dating business and flirting and so on. But there is this guy. He’s nice, you know, always very gentle with me, always smiling. And I feel good when I’m with him. But… but I can’t understand if he’s serious or not. I mean, if I was behaving like him, I would definitely be flirting but the other way around, I have no idea…” The girl let her words hang desperately in the air, an anguished look on her face.

“Aah, I very well get that feeling!” Crowley exclaimed.

“You do?” Robin asked, confused. “Have you got a… crush or something too?”

“Nononono” the demon denied a bit too quickly, “but, you know, it’s quite a common situation. There’s like 7 billion of you humans around and 6,9 got the same problems.”

“So… what would you do?”

Crowley thought it briefly over. “Probably the best thing to do is to first understand your real feelings. Do you really like this guy? Or is it just because he’s being nice to you? Once you’ve cleared this out, go on with your prey. I mean, he surely doesn’t despise you but maybe he needs a little push in your direction. If you understand what I mean” he winked. Gosh, he was good at giving advice. Advice that he would never follow himself, but still…

“I’m not sure I understand but alright. Thank you, I suppose.”

“Please, don’t thank me ever again. I am a demon, have you ever seen someone thanking a demon?” Crowley groaned. “Now,” he continued, pointing a finger to the next girl, “your turn, glasses. What’s bothering you?”

“It’s _Anna_ ” the young woman said sternly but before she could go on, the doorbell rang.

“Oh, this must be the sushi takeaway I ordered before” Jenny smiled while standing up. Crowley profited from the general distraction to snatch one of the wine glasses left unattended right on his circle. “Finally!” he thought, draining it in one go.

In the meantime, Jenny had opened the door and was discussing with the delivery guy. Apparently, there was some problem with the order.

“I paid through the app” the girl was saying.

“We didn’t receive any payment, miss. It’s €30, please.”

“I already told you, I…” Jenny retorted angrily.

The delivery guy seemed to be ready to reply even more sternly but suddenly all the hostility was gone and he smiled, saying, “Have a nice evening. Goodbye!” and left.

“That was weird” Robin commented, and turned, just in time to see the demon snapping his fingers.

“What?” he muttered. “He wasn’t going to leave soon, was he?”

“What did you do?” Jenny asked suspiciously.

“Just a little demonic intervention to have him on his way, continue our little chat undisturbed and finally be left alone by you buggers. So, Anna: back to you. What’s up?”

Anna, before answering, took up a sushi roll and ate it deliberately slowly. “Actually, I wanted to summon a demon of knowledge and wisdom but my friends insisted on having a love demon.”

“For Hell’s sake, I’m not a love demon!” Crowley complained. “Anyway, where d’you guys find this book again? Because there just aren’t many intelligent demons around. What would have you asked?”

“To know how to speak Russian perfectly” Anna explained.

The demon took a pensive sip from his miraculously half full glass. “I guess your only solution is to go to Russia and learn it?”

“Wow, I _hadn’t_ thought about that” she replied sarcastically. Crowley was ready for a smart-ass retort but then the girl added in an insecure tone, “It’s just that I’m not sure it’s possible. To speak it truly well, you know.”

The demon thought of all the time he had doubted of himself. Where did it get him? Nowhere. So he almost felt compelled to say, “Come on, Anna, look at you. You are intelligent and passionate. I bet that you can do it. It’ll take some time but it wouldn’t be worth it otherwise, would it?”

“I supposed it wouldn’t, no” the girl smiled and reached for the wine bottle to refill the demon’s glass. Suddenly inspired, Crowley raised it and solemnly said, “To Anna and her Russian!”

“To Anna and her Russian!” the other repeated, lifting their glasses and then draining them.

“Well” Jenny added, “it’s not fair we only toasted to Anna. There’s also me and Robin and Taylor and Mary.”

“You’re right. Sooo, a toast to every _adviced_ person. Fill” he demanded to his summoners, shaking his empty glass in front of their faces. Robin complied, spilling a few drops on the floor. Right on his circle.

“First, to Jenny and her hopefully bisexual friend” he started.

“To Jenny and her hopefully bisexual friend” the girls repeated. There was another round of drinking, followed by another round of filling.

“Second, to Robin and… not sure how it should be… to a clear idea about one's own feelings?” It was ridiculous, really, but they seemed to like it. “To Robin and to a clear idea about one's own feelings!”

“Now, now,” he said, scanning the girls left to be ‘helped’, “you. Tell me _everything_.”

“Well, I’m Taylor and I have an unwanted suitor. He keeps writing me, mostly sappy messages really, and I don’t know how to get rid of him. I don’t want to hurt him but also, I want him to stop.”

“Aaah, big buggers, unwanted suitors” Crowley yelled, stretching his legs out. His feet went out the circle but no one noticed. “You probably wouldn’t believe it but I’ve had a couple. Alexander the Great knew how to be annoying, trust me. The thing is, you have to be honest with them. Straightforward. It may hurt them a bit but it’s better than letting them believe in an illusion. And right now, the possibility that they go to conquer the world just for spite is at the minimum level. And if this doesn’t work,” he added, because after all he was a demon and felt compelled to spread some mischievousness, “if it doesn’t work, you can always key their car. Yep.”

“Did you truly meet Alexander the Great?” Anna asked, bewildered.

“Yes and I bet you lot wouldn’t like him as well. So, to Taylor and to chasing away unwanted suitors?”

“To Taylor and to chasing away unwanted suitors!”

This new toast required another bottle to be opened. They drank from their glasses in a companionable silence. When Crowley’s was empty, he nodded his head to the last girl. “What about you? Mary, right?”

“Yes. Well, I don’t have love-related problems because, you know, I’m asexual” she explained shily.

“My dear, that doesn’t save you from having problems!” the demon exclaimed.

“No. But right now, I have none because I’m just happy to be here with my friends. Right now, I don’t need anything else.”

There was a general ‘awww’ from all the girls, which may also have escaped Crowley’s lips.

“To Mary, then, and to friendship” he proposed.

“To Mary and to friendship!”

The demon smiled, satisfied with his work. But apparently, the girls weren’t finished with him yet.

“What about _you?_ ” Taylor asked.

“What about _me?_ ” Crowley repeated, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yes, what about you? We told you our love issues, you may very well tell us yours” Jenny insisted.

“I don’t have problems. Above all, love-problems. I’m a demon” he tried, to no avail.

“My dear, that doesn’t save you from having problems” Mary retorted. Gosh, they sounded like Aziraphale.

“Alright, alright, I’ll tell you. Well,” he tried to think of a smart way to escape this but the wine wasn’t helping. “Well, I’ve got this friend who has a kind of crush on… on a member of a… enemy family? And, err, it’s a problem because first, his crush is supposed to be also a hereditary enemy of his and second, he doesn’t even know if his crush likes him back. Ah, and he is considered evil too. Because he’s a demo… dement bugger. Yeah. So, what should I tell my friend?”

“Is your friend Romeo from _Romeo and Juliet?_ ” asked Anna.

The girls burst into giggles and Crowley found himself annoyingly flushed.

“So, what should I tell him?” he repeated a bit desperately.

“You already know the answer” Robin told him. “It’s in the pieces of advice you gave us.”

“That’s useless, you’re not being helpful” he muttered. But deep down, he knew she was right. He had always known what he should do about a certain angel. He just never had the courage to act on it.

“To Crowley” Jenny interrupted his train of thoughts, “and to the courage to love and be loved in return.”

“To Crowley and to the courage to love and be loved in return!”

The demon sighed but accepted the toast and drained his glass once more. “You may as well offer me some sushi now” he muttered.

“Didn’t you want to be done with us?” Mary enquired.

“Yep, still do, but the wine’s good and I’m quite hungry and you lot are excellent hosts, aren’t you.”

“Right” Robin agreed, “but you have to leave early in the morning, cause my parents will be back.”

“And help tidying up” Taylor added. “You drink, you clean.”

“That’s a deal, girl. Now, let’s jazz it up!”

***

Crowley left at 6 a.m. As promised, he had helped tidying up. He could have bet the place had never been so clean before. In the end, he simply stepped back into the ruined summoning circle (the wine had done its work after all) and listened to the girls trying to make sense of the unbinding formula. They got almost everything wrong (no surprise, I dare you pronouncing the whole thing in Latin after a night spent drinking) but the demon didn’t particularly care. He had found his way home long before the end of the ceremony but, for the girls’ and his theatrical sense of humor’s sake, he waited for them to finish. Then, he left in a blaze of flames which finally earned him a scream from his summoners. He appeared back into his flat, still laughing wickedly.

“What a hell of a night”, he thought, bemused. To be honest, he had enjoyed himself and even realized a thing or two about what he ought to do with Aziraphale. “Maybe I’ll talk to him later” he idly wondered.

Finally, Crowley returned to his houseplants. He was in such a good mood that he didn’t feel like yelling at them anymore.

It was only in that moment that he realized something very important was missing.

“Fuck, I forgot to bring my mister back!”

**Author's Note:**

> Please, dear humans, do not try that wily serpent's pieces of advice at home! In particular, do not key cars (Crowley, what would you do if someone keyed the Bentley??). However, feel free to love and be loved in return.
> 
> ***
> 
> If you liked it, check out my other stories!
> 
> You can fin me on Tumblr now: https://giulsthegrey.tumblr.com/post/641844893971611648/from-just-a-girls-night-chatting-drinking


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